Attack of the Killer Cookies of Death!

November 23, 2010

Well, I was going to write a nice post all about the preservation of a distinct Canadian “voice” in SF writing. I still intend to write that post.

But then I saw a lovely article by the You Docs, which I can’t find online yet (I’ll keep looking), about avoiding holiday weight gain.

The You Docs and I don’t have a good relationship, but the accompanying caption got to me- “Start some new holiday traditions this Christmas- like eating an apple instead of a cookie.” That just sounded so sad, I couldn’t stop myself from going through the rest of the article.

And the “docs” have enlightened me. Little did I know that the holiday season is a minefield of potentially poisonous substances that I have been consuming in blissful ignorance up until now. Those holiday baddies (“We can’t call ’em goodies because they’re killers,” quoth the docs) are lurking, ready to pounce, throw themselves down my throat, and doom me to a slow, shameful, early death. 

Muahahaha! Little did they know a cookie could be so evil!

Apparently, the fact that I cannot bake to save my life may end up actually saving my life. It means that if I absolutely have to bring baked goods to a party (a party full of people I don’t like, obviously), I should have no problem buying them from a store “so you can’t eat any in advance.” Sure, I’ll miss out on the family bonding that always happens when I end up scooping egg shells from the bowl, or somehow getting the cookbook glued shut with molasses, but hey, who cares, as long as we’re avoiding the consumption of any more food than absolutely necessary?

Ah, but baking in the kitchen isn’t the only tradition that’s slowly killing me. “Gathering together to eat when the weather turns nippy may be hard-wired into the human genome, but it’s not the healthiest or happiest tradition.” See, here’s where my ignorance comes in. I thought that humans were “hard-wired” to enjoy things that would’ve benefited our ancestors. Things like simultaneously meeting the increased caloric requirements brought on by cold weather and improving social bonds. Silly me- I didn’t realize that this was actually neither a healthy nor a happy thing to do!

S. Claus: Victim of a fly-by cookie attack

Never fear! We can just have a sing-along… and burn 10-20 calories per tune! I’ve mentioned before that the world is lucky I’m not a math major, and here’s a perfect example. Say we sang five songs: “Rudolph,” “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” “Frosty,” “Jingle Bells,” and “Silent Night.” That means we’d burn up to 100 calories, in what? 20 minutes? (Average of 4 min/song?) According to a site I just consulted, gentle cycling for 20 minutes only burns 78… who knew that standing and singing used more energy than pumping your legs?

And then there’s avoiding all the seasonal temptations… those temptations that, you know, come with the season. Instead of that special “holiday-spice coffee drink,” I should just get my skim milk latte… yep, the same latte I can get all year. And definitely say no to my mom’s gingerbread men… which she only makes at Christmas. And have only a few candied nuts… when the rest of the year I have plain walnuts from time to time.

After all, this black-or-white, all-or-nothing attitude is clearly the best way to handle things. I’ve got to hand it to this article, addressing its readers as though they have no self-control or ability to consider the whole concept of “action-consequence,” is a great way to get people to accept its message. Here I was thinking that the holiday season was about joy, peace, and love… some of which may be expressed through the shared creation and enjoyment of good food.

Nope. It’s a deadly time. I’ll just grab my apple, ignore the fact that I eat apples and other fruits year-round, and munch away. Maybe I’ll carve a smiley face into it, in the spirit of the season.

Who knows? The act of cutting through its skin might burn more calories!





  1. Loved it!

    Here’s my Holiday Guide for keeping the weight off:


  2. I like your attitude. I think I should be watching what I eat, even though I don’t gain any weight. But that stupid voice in the back of my head squeaks:
    “So cookies are the bad guy? Are we now discouraged to eat and pig out on Thanksgiving and not make special Christmas cookies/pies anymore?”
    Two words: Lame sauce!
    Well, this is coming from someone who is underweight, so I guess I should shut up and stuff my face with cookies while I work on my novel.

    • Actually, I’m underweight as well, which is partly why I have such an issue with the You Docs. It’s hard enough to gain weight, without being told you’re doing a horrible thing by it. Going into a mini-rant here, but if you check their website, there is *no* information about underweight. None. So my feeling is, I really don’t need to be hearing all this blanket statements, when I’m doing what’s best for me.

      • You’re positively right! You can’t find *anything* on gaining weight in a *healthy* manner *anywhere*! It’s the healthy part that throws everyone off.
        I don’t want to eat at Wendy’s five times a day, and have it bite me in the butt a few years down the road. Being underweight is a problem that nobody acknowledges, and is almost never heard of.

      • Protein shakes saved me, though I won’t turn down a cookie. You know, unless I’m not hungry. 😛

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