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Apocalypse Soon

January 1, 2011

Today is January 1st, 2011.

You all know what that means, right?

A little under two years until the Apocalypse.

Since the ominous sound of “Hey! It’s 2012 now!” will probably spur more people into action, I say that you should start preparing now, so that when 2012 actually hits, you’ll be able to sit back and snicker at the people scurrying like ants to build their bomb shelters and stock up on spam and twinkies. (Do they even still make spam anymore? The spam that allegedly once might have been part of a pig, not the links to ads and scams I scrub from IWI’s filters every morning.)

When Dec. 21, 2012 hits, you don’t want to be left out in the cold. Or, more likely, the searing heat of the sun exploding or whatever it’s supposed to do on that date. Trust me on this one. I know a lot of you are saying, “But Dec. 21, 2012 on the Mayan calendar was a nice round number and a convenient place for them to stop!” That’s true. But it’s not just the Mayans. St. Malachy was a mediaeval Irish monk who had a vision in which he saw all of the popes from his own time until Judgement Day. Guess what? The current one (Pope Benedict XVI) is the penultimate pope he identified. That means that the very next pope will be the last one before Judgement Day. And it seems to me that Pope Benedict is pretty old…

So, assuming the world will come to an end in about 23 months, what can you do about it? Unfortunately, not much. Not to rib on NASA or anything (ok, to rib on NASA, a lot), but our options for manned spaceflight have become drastically limited. You could shell out a few million for a seat on a private spacecraft,  or try to stow away on a Russian Soyuz or Chinese Shenzhou rocket. But then again, even if you did manage to get off the planet, that won’t help much if the Sun expels a roiling mass of plasma at us, or if the super-giant black hole at the centre of the Milky Way somehow rips the galaxy apart.

Since most of us will be Earth-bound (which may be smarter, actually; the atmosphere might offer some protection), I suggest making the best of it. Obviously stock up on canned food and water, but also consider seeds so that you can grow your own food. Better yet, if you can, get yourself to the town of Longyearbyen (in Norway) to be closer to the Svalbard Global Seed Vault. Think of it as a botanist’s version of Noah’s Ark: it has genetic “spare copies” that could be used to restore genetic diversity in the event of a global disaster.

But I think we can do better. Since this is a New Year’s Day post, I’m obliged to have a New Year’s Resolution. In 2011, I hereby resolve to develop an intergalactic spaceship (only fitting for Intergalactic Writers) and suspended animation technology. It will be called “Arvik’s Ark” and will carry a select group of people, animals, and plants to the safety of the Andromeda Galaxy. If 2012 heralds an event in the Milky Way, I figure the further away we are, the better. Reading this blog lands you a reserved berth.

Amibitious? Yes.

Risky? Definitely. 

A resolution I’ll keep? As sure as this world is ending.

-Arvik

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3 comments

  1. Awesome post, Arvik!

    Keep me posted on how Arvik’s Ark is coming along . . .


  2. I would be honored to accept a berth in Arvik’s Ark, assuming I could secure safe passage for my family as well. My husband is skilled in computer systems and my two children (ages 7 and 2) could earn their keep as “deck apes” based on their sailing experience on my parents’ 35′ Catalina. As I have some experience piloting a Lear 25, which has been compared to strapping a rocket to one’s ass, I would like to apply for the position of Ark Pilot. I may be getting a little long in the tooth for your liking, but I’d just like to point out that my Wii Fit age just this morning was 20. Thank you for your consideration.


  3. You should read a young adult book called ‘Life As We Knew It’ by Susan Beth Pfeffer. Very good book, but every time I re-read it I end up spending too much at the grocery store buying ‘stocking up’ stuff. Actually I don’t think about the world ending, but I think about natural disasters. Where I live, it’s very rustic which means I’m somewhat prepared. But still…got to go read that book again.



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