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Protecting yourself against those pesky ninjas (and the occasional pirate)

April 11, 2011

(without having everyone around you think you’re crazy.)

Today is another beautiful spring day… at least where I am. So, although I have much to do of the “sit-inside-and-stare-at-a-screen” variety, I figured I was more than justified in taking a stroll. And then…

Naturally, I went in. Soon enough, I was clutching my steaming cup of caffeinated goodness. That’s when I realized I faced a choice.

Where to sit?

Perspective and everything... aren't we fancy today?

Take a moment. Where would you have sat? Chair #1 or #2?

If you said Chair #1, I’m sorry to tell you that you’re putting yourself at risk in the event of a ninja attack. Chair #2 has several qualities which make it the superior seating choice. First and most importantly, its back faces the wall. That means you do not face the wall. Unless ninjas are planning on bursting through the wall from an adjoining room (which I’ll admit is a possibility), you are safe from attack from behind.

Furthermore, Chair #2 offers a view which faces the street and the door. (For those who are curious… yes, I am writing this post from inside the coffee shop. Call it blogging in the field.) As such, no one can get in or out of this coffee shop without my knowing. I wouldn’t put disguising one’s self past a ninja (or a pirate, for that matter), so this surveillance may well come in handy. Plus, I can see the street. That’s mostly because this coffee shop has nice big windows, but it’s a very attractive feature. Not only is it letting in natural light and making me feel connected to the world outside (this magical world I was starting to fear was myth), it’s going to give me first warning when the ninja and pirate armies team up with zombies to take over the downtown core.

Plus, you know, it’s nice for people-watching in the meantime.

So, to recap the paranoid person’s guide to restuarant seating:

  1. Choose seating arrangements which protect your back.
  2. Ensure you can monitor escape routes in and out of the establishment.
  3. Views of the street are an added bonus.
  4. Realize the ninjas/pirates/zombies probably won’t come until dessert… you’ll be too sleepy to run properly, and they can abscond with your dessert when it arrives.

One large coffee later, that’s all the advice I can give you. The rest is up to you.

Good luck!

-Arvik

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3 comments

  1. I picked chair #2 without even thinking about Ninjas. I hate having my back to the action in restaurants.

    I want to see the waiters “accidentally on purpose” spill raspberry jelly down the front of silk blouses being worn by rude customers.


  2. James Butler Hickok died because he sat down to a poker game with his back to the room. This advice is real, not just a flight of fancy.


  3. Nooo! Not the dessert! 😦
    Darn ninjas…back off from the dessert. 100% of the time, it has the wonderful material of chocolate in it: you’ll pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
    Same goes to you, pirates.



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